Hmm. This tastes different.
I'm trying a new flavor creamer. It's Almond Joy.
We are living the dream.
Must have caffeine.
Thank you.
Did you not sleep last night?
No. Not a wink.
I had a bad dream that kept me up.
I think it means that Kimmy's not pregnant.
That's ridiculous.
Tell me your dream, and I'll interpret it.
Okay.
You took a pregnancy test, and it came back negative.
That could mean anything.
Yeah, but that's not all.
I saw people having a weird dance party,
and then this ominous cloud enveloped the whole house.
And then a masked man appeared out of nowhere.
So what does all that mean?
It means you shouldn't eat the Taco Bell 5-buck box right before bed.
I knew I should've hidden those wrappers better.
Anyway, I just have a terrible feeling that today is gonna be a very bad day.
No, today's gonna be the best day.
Dad, Uncle Jesse and Joey are coming up
to celebrate their 30-year "Dad-iversary."”
And when we're all together, nothing bad ever happens.
And have you noticed, even when there are problems,
they're always fixed in, like, half an hour?
It's the Tanner—Fuller magic.
Yeah, maybe I'm just being silly.
I can't believe it's been 30 years since Uncle Jesse and Joey moved in.
I know. Seems like it was just yesterday.
Hey, look alive. Uncle Jesse's here.
—Jesse. —Uncle Jesse.
All right. Hello.
D.J., how you doing? That tooth come in yet?
—Nah. —It's okay. One less to brush.
(TRUMPETING)
Hi, Joey.
Hi, gang.
Joey, buddy, this is the best, your moving in.
Thanks, Danny.
This works out so perfect.
I move into a place with a washing machine
on the exact day I run out of clean clothes.
I hope you guys had a fun flashback.
I've just been standing here, watching you two in a trance.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
ALL: It's always open.
Hey, hey, look alive. Uncle Jesse's here.
(TRUMPETING)
—Hi, everybody. —Hi, Joey.
Hey. Thanks for washing these, Deej.
I am down to my last pair of clean underpants.
What?
On my guitar, huh?
I didn't make a goofy entrance. I already lived here.
Hey, honey.
—Hi, Dad. —Hey, baby.
Hi.
Mr. T, you forgot my hug.
Oh, I didn't forget.
You might wanna be a little nicer to me,
considering I might be giving birth to your next grandchild.
Really?
There was no one else?
Nope. Bring it in, Grandpa.
It's so cute.
You guys are wearing the exact same clothes as the day you moved in.
Well, I'm wearing the same outfit. They got bigger sizes.
Don't worry. I've got the baby and all the luggage.
You guys just enjoy your little "Dad-iversary.”
Which, by the way, isn't a thing.
Hi.
—Hey, Danny. —Grandpa.
Jesse.
Please tell me you didn't bring your kids.
Well, if you're talking about my adorable little angels,
they're with their mom in Vegas.
Joey!
Thanks, guys, for coming up.
And sorry I can't hang out tonight.
Steve and I are finally going on our first date.
Wasn't your first date with Steve in high school?
Okay, technically it's our second first date.
I thought your second first date was two years ago.
Yeah. Before you got together with that hunky Matt guy.
So, really, it's your third first date.
Wow. You people really keep tabs on my love life.
Well, we three guys have a surprise for all of you right outside.
Let us take you back to the fall of 1987,
when our mullets were as big as our portable phones.
That's okay. I'll watch the kids and put away the luggage.
Okay. Feel free to unpack.
Bye, baby. Love you.
Come on.
Daddy's lucky he's pretty.
Oh, Mylanta! Is that the same convertible?
I wish. I'm renting it by the hour.
Okay, everybody, remember your assigned seats.
Hey, I know I wasn't there on the very first day,
but can I come anyway?
Well, since you're already in the car, do we have a choice? Come on.
All right.
—You ready, Dad? Yep.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
How come this song comes on every time we drive around the city?
I don't know.
(SINGING) Whatever happened to predictability?
The milkman, the paperboy The evening TV
There must be something we can do besides homework.
What do you have in mind?
I don't know.
How about this?
Hey, guys.
Little busy here.
Magic happening.
I really need to talk.
I'll just wait till you're done.
Ramona, this is my first official make-out session,
and you're making it kind of weird.
I need some advice about my love life.
Get a cat.
Now, where were we?
Hold on.
What's the matter?
Did I ever mention this thing I've got going on
with this Japanese pop star guy?
If you mean Sexy Zone's Marius Yo,
5'11", 142 pounds of Kobe beef,
then yeah, you may have mentioned him.
I texted him two days ago and still haven't heard back.
Again, we were kind of doing something.
I just don't know where we stand.
I mean, he says he likes me,
but lately he's taking longer and longer to text me.
Just be direct. Tell him to step up or step off.
Ooh, that's good.
Come on. I want you to type that right into my phone.
Rocki, come back.
I need help with my love life.
Get a cat.
I have to say, Mr. Rooty Zero is the best diet root beer ever.
All of the flavor, none of the guilt.
—Sounds pretty good. Let me try some. —No.
Mine.
This is the worst play date ever.
They are not sharing, nor are they caring.
Where do they get this?
—Mine. —Mine.
I'll show you how to get them to get along.
At my Gymboree, they call me the Baby Whisperer.
You're not the only one who can whisper to the babies.
I am the Latino Mary Poppins.
Mario Poppino.
Look, Francisco...
Fernando.
—Fer. —Fer.
—Nan. —Nan.
—Do. —Do.
Francisco.
Watch the magic over here. Come here, Pamela. Come here.
Let's show them how we do the Elvis the Pelvis dance. Ready? Here we go.
(VOCALIZING)
Very impressive, if it were 1956.
But can you get Pamela to do the J.Lo booty shake
like I taught Tommy?
Come on, Tommy.
Shake it. Show us what you're working with.
STEPHANIE: Oh, no.
This was in my dream.
This is a weird dance party.
What's so weird about a couple of guys
shaking their booties in the backyard?
Ooh...
I finally got Pamela and Tommy to stop fighting and get along
like the loving cousins that they are.
I put them in separate bedrooms.
Danny's on the phone with our agent.
He's trying to renegotiate our contract for Wake Up, USA.
Please let us get a raise. Please let us get a raise.
Look, Josh, we're America's sweethearts, and we need to be paid like sweethearts.
—You tell them. —Yeah, but tell them nicely.
Okay, listen, sweetheart.
Don't call me back till you get us more money, okay?
Love you, too.
Don't ask for too big a raise.
We have a very sweet gig going here. You don't wanna rock the boat.
I'll tell you who's got a sweet gig. It's you, my friend.
Becky brings home the bacon,
and you just laze around at home all day,
watching cartoons and playing with blocks.
And that's while Pamela's taking a nap.
Hey, I happen to be a stay-at-home dad house—husband,
who somehow has found a way to maintain his beautiful pre—adoption baby body,
SO...
Come on, guys. D.J.'s coming down. Let's go. Come on.
Okay. Wait. Wait. Wait.
All right, come on down.
It's like prom all over again.
And I even have the same date.
This never gets old.
Every time I see my beautiful daughter come down those steps, all dressed up,
it just melts my heart.
You realize I'm 40 with three Kids.
It doesn't matter. You'll always be my little girl.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
It's always open.
Really?
You never lock your door? That doesn't seem safe.
Hey, everybody.
And don't you look stunning, Dr. Fuller?
You look pretty good yourself, Dr. Hale.
We get it. You're doctors.
Come on, let's go.
Deej, I got bad news.
We can't go to the restaurant.
This huge fog just rolled in. It's not even safe to drive.
Wait. Did I hear you say "fog?"
That's the second thing from my dream that's come true.
The dark, ominous cloud.
This just confirms my bad feeling about your pregnancy.
You're reading too much into this. It's San Francisco. There's always fog.
What about men having weird dance parties?
Once again, it's San Francisco.
I was really looking forward to our third first date.
Hey, why don't we just treat you guys to a romantic dinner right here at home?
It'll be fun, right, guys?
I don't know.
You want us to pretend like the living room is a restaurant and all that?
I think it's a little hokey.
Are you new here?
This is what we do.
Come on, guys. I'll be the chef, okay?
I've been told that my meatloaf is practically prison quality.
Come on, Jess. You can be the maitre d'.
—Why would I want to do that? —Because...
I'll do it. Sure. Why not?
Why do you have to kiss me so good?
That's the Tanner—Fuller magic.
Steve and I still get to have our romantic date.
Yeah. And what could be more romantic
than having your entire family watch us eat dinner?
(ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
—STEVE: Can we come down now? —Hold on. We're not ready.
Ready.
Hello, welcome, welcome.
Do you have a reservation?
Yes. Hale, party of two.
Hale, Hale, Hale, Hale, Hale.
I'm sorry, I don't see your name. Fully booked.
(COUGHS)
Goody. A table just opened up. Right this way.
See, I have to do that to make it like a real restaurant.
—Yeah. So I'll get my money back later? —No.
Wow. After 22 years apart, we're finally back together.
Do you realize how close we came to almost marrying other people?
I know.
But you and me, it just... It feels so right.
—Yeah. —Roses for the beautiful lady?
Are those from my yard?
Yes. One for 10, two for 20.
Well, that's not a deal. That's just math.
Fine, if she's not worth it.
No. Okay. Fine. All right. I'll take two. Can you...
—Do you have change for 100? —No. Keep the basket.
Hello.
Welcome to Chez Gladstone.
I am Chef Joseph.
And I'm your sommelier, Mr. Daniel.
Tonight we are serving a provocative Chablis.
All the way from last June, which was a very good month.
Let me just serve you, if I may.
Tinkle tinkle.
Well, enjoy.
That's Stephanie's,
so you better leave her a mugful, or we're all gonna hear about it.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Would you like some water?
—Yes. —Flat or sparkling?
—Sparkling. —We don't have sparkling.
Chilled or room temperature?
—Chilled, please. —We don't have chilled.
You're right. It's much more fun with a mustache.
Due to the fog,
your meal has been locally sourced from the freezer.
Voila!
Your main course, freshly caught poisson a la rectangulaire.
Fish sticks.
Served over a tube-shaped pasta,
with a delicate sauce aux fromage.
Mac 'n' cheese.
Any requests?
Yeah. Please stop.
Well, thank you all for making our special date so
special.
And I must say, the main course was excellent.
The stick did not overpower the fish.
You know, maybe I was wrong.
Maybe the Tanner—Fuller magic is real after all.
(PHONE RINGING)
Jesse, get in here.
This better be important.
I'm giving my face a fiesta.
I spoke too soon.
He's wearing a mask. He's the masked man. This is bad.
Shh. It's my agent. Hey, Josh. Talk to me.
Uh-huh.
We didn't get the raise?
Uh—uh.
But we're coming back at our same salary?
Wait, wait, wait. What happened?
We asked for too much money.
They decided to go with Mario Lopez.
Mario Lopez? We're being replaced by a human dimple?
Don't they know we have a new baby,
and I just bought a jet ski?
I don't know what to do.
I haven't been without a job since I was 24 years old.
I love that job.
I had a hair person, a makeup person,
a coffee and scone person.
I'm gonna miss all my persons.
But at least I'll get to spend more time with Pamela.
And I think it's time that you get off the couch
—and go out and get yourself a real— —Don't say...
Jet ski?
—No, a job. —Hold me.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Hold on.
Oh, boy. This is bad. Hold him.
My wife just got a gig doing magic on a cruise ship for six months.
I'm gonna be stuck all alone, with my four...
Ch...
Chins?
No. Children.
Hold me.
My life is over.
What now?
Marius says we should be non-exclusive and free to see other people,
just because we live 5,000 miles apart.
Who cares? You don't need a boyfriend.
Look at me. I'm single and loving every minute.
Wait a second.
How can you be single and still be my girlfriend?
Your girlfriend? Just ‘cause we made out in your bedroom?
You did what? Where?
It was one kiss. It was no big deal.
No big deal?
It was two kisses, and one of them was really long.
This is the worst news ever.
(PHONE CHIMES)
No. This is the worst news ever.
They're discontinuing the best diet root beer in the world,
Mr. Rooty Zero.
Fernando, please. We are dealing with some actual bad news here.
Did you not hear me?
Mr. Rooty Zero is no more.
You could not tell it was diet.
There's one more not—so—great thing to report.
Okay, now, this is gonna sound crazy,
but I got a text message from a patient...
Magic Johnson.
Anyway, the foot specialist for the LA Lakers retired,
and, well, they offered me the job.
So, we finally got back together, and now you're moving to another city?
What else can go wrong?
No.
Pamela put gum in Tommy's hair.
Tommy put gum in Pamela's hair.
It appears they have found my secret stash of Hubba Bubba
I hide in the nursery.
My dream is totally coming true.
Bad things are happening to everyone.
Well, nothing bad has happened to me.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Not so fast, Max.
CJ just sent me an email.
Rose won't be coming to the party with you tomorrow.
No!
I hope this isn't because CJ blames me for ruining her wedding.
No.
Wait. There's more.
Rose can't come because CJ blames you for ruining her wedding.
We're star—crossed lovers, torn apart by our warring families.
Ours is forbidden love,
just like Bert and Ernie.
Well, this day is officially a total disaster.
Even I can't put a cherry on top of this turd cake.
(ALL GASPING)
That's right.
I said "turd cake,” because that's how bad today is.
(SIGHS)
All the kids, just go to bed.
JESS: Yeah. Come on.
Well, if everything else in my dream came true,
that must mean you're not pregnant.
Steph, I feel fine.
Well, I don't. I need a drink.
Does anybody else want one?
I'll just bring the whole box.
Well, Kimmy, at least you feel fine.
I do, but that's the problem.
When I was pregnant with Ramona,
I felt terrible from the second I conceived.
When I wasn't puking, I was cramping or crying.
But I feel great.
I can't let Stephanie know, but I don't think I'm pregnant.
She's standing right behind me, isn't she?
I knew it.
You're not pregnant.
Where's your Tanner—Fuller magic now?
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
English — SDH